Disappointed

Since my check up following Eli's birth my husband and I have been TTC. Since I started on July 30th I figured I missed my ovulation for July. I did track it for August but apparently that didn't matter. Found out today that we didn't conceive this month : '(

My first two pregnancies we didn't even have to try! Austin was a surprise considering his was conceived while using protection and when we decided to get pregnant again we only tried one cycle and bam! I guess I'm putting extra pressure on myself b/c I feel the need to fill my aching arms and try and fill some of this hurt that I have. And yes, I know that NO baby could ever replace or fill the void that Eli left and I'm not trying to do that, I just feel like I was cheated out of something I wanted so badly! I am thankful that I have Austin, he brings smiles to my days. He gives me a reason to get up every morning.

I know this probably sounds terrible but this is what I feel in my heart: If Eli was always going to leave me, it would've been easier if I would've miscarried him in the beginning; before I knew what he was, who he was and before I fell unconditionally in love with him. However, I am grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to him after I had heard him cry or see his beautiful eyes and smile. I hope that my saying this doesn't offend anybody, that is in no way my intention. I do believe with all my heart that you all understand where I'm coming from.

Topix

For those of you who have seen the website, you know how rude people tend to be on here. I didn't realize how rude people were until a friend of my alerted me to the fact that they were saying things about me posting pictures of my Eli on my FB. The link below goes to the thread in which they talk about my baby. How dare people call pictures of my son disgusting, disturbing and say they will haunt them forever b/c of the discoloration of his skin: THEY ARE INFANT BRUISES!!!

Some people are just low-lifes and things like this shouldn't  be tolerated.

http://www.topix.com/forum/city/olive-hill-ky/THL638916R5QAQFAJ

Remembering Our Babies

I've decided that on October 15th, the day to remember our babies I would like to do something special. I would like to release balloons in honor of all our lost angels. If you would like your baby to be honored please email me with the following information:

-Baby's Name
-Birthday and angel date (if different)
-Balloon color preference, please give 2 options
-Special message for your angel
-Your email address so that I may email the photos of your baby's balloon to you.

9 weeks

Today marks nine weeks since Eli has gone to Heaven. I have no idea where all that time has gone. It seems like when I was pregnant the weeks just drug on and on, there was no end in sight and now, time just drifts by while I stand still. I still keep wishing that someone is going to actually invent a time machine and I can go back and change how things turned out. I love and miss Eli each and every day, I'd give anything just to be able to see him again.