Doctor visit

So, my doctor's visit didn't go exactly as I thought it would. I was hoping to hear, well I don't know exactly. He did an ultrasound and said he didn't see a pregnancy in my uterus, which freaked me out! I told him about my emergency room visit and about my hcg level being 45 and he said that's why he couldn't see anything. So, more blood work was done to check my hcg level. I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if they are going up. God, I hope they are going up. To hear from the doctor that I was pregnant and now I'm not would be devastating. I can't handle another loss at any stage.

Stress relief

I'm not sure if it's been stress or the pregnancy itself but I've been eating everything in sight! It's like I can't stop. I'm gonna gain a billion pounds before this baby even looks like a baby, lol. I did get some relieving news today from my regular doctor. He told my mom that according to my report sent to him from the emergency room I was having a completely normal pregnancy! Thank you God! I want nothing more than to carry this baby to term and to bring him/her home with me. Even though this is great news I'm still gonna have a nice long chat with my ob/gyn Thursday. What questions do you think I need to ask him? I have a few but I want to know what you all think are very important questions that need to be answered, maybe some that I wouldn't think about.

Can't even be happy

So, I went to the ER last night to have blood work done b/c I kept taking tests and they would give me different answers. At first they weren't gonna do blood work b/c the ER did their pregnancy test and it was negative but the lab (thanks to my sister-in-law) redid the test and got  a postive.

Blood work showed that I was indeed pregnant but only a little bit. My Beta Hcg level was 44.9. Idk what levels are supposed to be so I assumed it was normal. I explained to the doctor that I was cramping and he said that I might have a tubal pregnancy or be having a miscarriage. Which scared the crap out of me. When I got home I started spotted some. I spotted both times with the boys and each time it was a bp issue (my bp last night was 148/100). So I'm hoping that it's the same problem this time, but my cramping is worse.

I'm pregnant and can't even be happy about it b/c I'm stressing about all the what-ifs!

Before the loss of Eli I viewed pregnancy as a gift and something to be cherished. Bliss. Even though I still view pregnancy as a gift I'm no longer naive. I feel as if I can't be happy about being pregnant because I'm not guaranteed a baby in the end. Although I hope and pray that I do not experience a loss again I know that it is possible. It's like everytime I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I hate to live with this constant stress and worry. Wish I could go back to being naive and blissfully ignorant.

BFP??

So, I took a test a little bit ago at first I thought it was a negative. After it sat for a few minutes I saw a very faint +
I don't know if I should be excited or what. Guess I'm gonna wait it out and see if AF shows up and if not I'll retest. Every other time I've taken a test and it was + I was always pregnant so I'm hoping that's the case this time.

Pins and Needles

I never realized before how nerve-wracking it was TTC. I'm supposed to start either tomorrow or saturday (my period was a day off last month) and the waiting is killing me. Will I start? Could I be pregnant this month? AHHHH! I don't wanna go out and buy a test because I did that last month and it was negative and about 2 hours later I started. I do have some early pregnancy signs but nothing concrete: nausea, fatigue, heartburn and acid reflux. I have had some cramping lately too, so IDK if I attribute that to PMS or what. I wish life had a fastforward button sometimes.

Am I wrong?

At home I have an almost 2 year old son and two step-daughters to take care of, ages 3 and 5. While I'm the cook, maid, bath-giver, diaper changer and homework buddy I am also grieving over Eli. Is it so wrong of me to want help? I'm gonna be starting school in Janurary (fingers crossed) and I'm not superwoman. Yes I can do it all but it'd be easier if I didn't have to. I know that it is a little unorthodox but is it weird that I would ask the girls' mom to come stay and help as she's going to start school in the spring too? We are friends, although it seems weird for my husband, but she hasn't been able to see/spend time with the girls very much because of transportation and living arrangements. Advice?

Productive & bittersweet day

Yesterday was Eli's third month in Heaven.

I got up and drove the 23 miles to MSU and talked with some people about returning to school in Janurary. I thought that I was on academic probabtion b/c I withdrew before mid-terms of my sophomore year. Turns out I wasn't! Great news. I am however on Financial Aid probation, so I have to write an appeal letter to see if I can still receieve financial aid. Hopefully they will approve it and I can go back ASAP, without financial aid I can't pay for school.

I got a call from Lambert's Monuments yesterday, they set Eli's head/foot stone. We went and looked at it last night and it looks beautiful. Now when I go visit him I can look at his face. I tell ya, seeing the words "Our Son" on his footstone brought tears to my eyes. I guess actually knowing that the last thing I can do for my son is complete made my heartache.

Eli's story

Think its about time I shared Eli's story. Maybe the typing of his story out will help me find some sleep tonight.

I was going to the doctor for weekly BBP's because I have pregnancy induced hypertension and they wanted to make sure everything was going smoothly. I went for my last one on Friday, June 11th. Everything was perfect with Eli. I was checked and I was dilated 2 cm! I was so excited I thought for sure he would be coming soon. I had the option of scheduling  a my next BPP for Wednesday or Friday and instead of doing it on Wednesday I chose Friday, my decision to do that will be something I regret forever.

On Wednesday morning I woke up feeling fine but slightly off. Eli wasn't moving as much as normal but it wasn't so much that I was concerned. I just figured I was getting late in my pregnancy (36 weeks and 4 days) and he was running out of room. I had never made it this far before, Austin was born at 33 weeks. Everything past 33 weeks was new to me.

At about 10:30 pm I told my husband to get me the baby monitor that my sister gave to me to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I put the headphones on and placed the device on my belly and didn't hear anything. I wasn't concerned yet because Austin was crawling all over me and the tv was on and I could everything around me inside the headphones. David took Austin to bed about 10 til 11 that night and I decided to take a shower to see if I could get some movement out of Eli.

Before getting into the shower I of course had to pee, then I turned the shower on and felt like I had to go again. I sat down and felt a little pop. I thought maybe my water had broken. I stood up to find that it was blood, tons of it. I screamed for David, he didn't hear me but my Grandma did. She got him and he immediatley called my ob/gyn. I got clothes on put a towel down inside my underwear and we rushed to the hospital, notifying l&d about the situation on our way there.

I was wheeled up to l&d and the entire time I'm crying because I know something is wrong. In my head I just kept saying, "everything's ok, we are gonna have a c-section and he's gonna be fine". The nurses brought me into my room, l&d number 2, same room Austin was born. They got me into a gown and preceded to check me out. They kept wiping my bottom and saying there was alot of blood and alot of clots. Another nurse was starting an IV and checking my bp while another was hooking me up to the fetal monitors. David joined me in the room and from the minute the nurse didn't find his heartbeat right away I started to panic and crying uncontrollably. David couldn't even look at me. He paced the room. They tried the fetal monitor, hand held dopplar and an ultrasound and couldn't find anything, but never said a word. They told me they paged the doctor on call, Dr. Dotson, and that he would be here soon. A lady from ultrasound downstairs came up and started an ultrasound about the same time that Dr. Dotson arrived. He sat on my bed, patted my leg, looked at the ultrasound screen, then looked at me and said "I'm sorry, but theres no heartbeat", 12:04 am. Those 6 words changed my life forever. I threw my hands over my head and couldn't stop crying and shaking. Dr. Dotson hugged David.

For the first half an hour I could hear David running in and out of bathroom, getting sick and crying. He didn't want me to see him cry. We held eachother and then we had to make calls to our families. I called my Mom first, who was at my apartment with my Grandma, Austin and David's two girls. The conversation went like this:
Mom: Have they said anything?
Me: He's gone, Mom.
Mom: Are they sure?
Me: Yeah, they couldn't find his heartbeat, even on ultrasound. What do I do? I can't bury my son. Oh, God! What do I do?

We then called David's mom and had pretty much the same conversation. His parents arrived first, followed by my mom, Austin and my Grandma. I tried all night long to call my bff, Veronica with no answer. Around 6 am that morning she texted me, then called.
Me: I've been trying to get ahold of you all night.
V: Why, what's going on?
Me: We lost Eli, Veronica.
V: Are you joking? It's not funny.
Me: Why would I joke? No, hes gone.
V: What?
Me: I haven't had him yet.
V: I'll be there asap, I love you.

My doctor, Dr. Frederick came in about 7:30 that morning, teary eyed. He said he was sorry and asked if he could pray with us. He took my head and said a prayer. He then checked my cervix and broke my water. He came to my room every hour if not more.

I began pushing about 10:35 am. The most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. It was just me, David, Dr. F and two nurses. David sat up by my head, with his head buried in my shoulder, sobbing. I pushed as hard and as fast as I could. Once I felt him come out, I turned my head away and cried with David. I asked Dr. F if he was sure he was gone and he said he was. They took Eli out of the room and left us be. We cried together. The first time I've ever seen David cry; it was sad and beautiful at the same time.

The nurses brought him back in a short while later after bathing him and taking his pictures. We cried all over. He he was our perfect baby boy, and he's not breathing. Oh, I begged him to breathe. We stared at him, took our own pictures and then held him. God, he smelled so good. A perfectly healthy, 6lb 3oz and 20.5 inch long baby boy.

We spent several hours with him. Drawing his face in our memory and smelling him. At 6pm the man from the funeral home came to pick him up. I snuggled up to him for the very last time and handed him to the nurse. It was then I had my breakdown. I kept screaming "They are taking my baby to the funeral home! Oh my god! My baby is going to a funeral home!" It was shortly after my fit of hyperventiliation that I passed out. Dr. F came in and told me that the cause for Eli's death was a cord accident. AN ACCIDENT! That's all I get, it was an accident. He turned just so and got a knot in his cord and as he decended into the birth canal the knot got tightened and cut off his oxygen. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?!?

I left the hospital the next morning before rounds, I couldn't stand to be there one more second. That day we planned Eli's funeral. His service was planned for Monday, June 21st.

Seeing him in a casket is an image I wish I could erase from my mind. I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and hold him, rock him; to make this all go away. The service was beautiful. He was buried just after noon that Monday. Seems ridiculous to me that I just had this beautiul baby and I won't ever get to see, touch, smell or kiss him ever again.

Since laying Eli to rest I've changed as a person. I can no longer be the person I was because part of me is missing. I know that it won't always hurt like this and honestly, I can't wait for that day. This will never make sense to me and the hurt of him being gone will always be here. I'm sad because my family will never be complete because he's gone. I'm sad because I never got pictures of him and Austin together. I'm sad because I won't get to see him smile, walk, talk, hear him say my name, see him go to school, get married and have kids. I'm missing out on so much.

One thing that I am grateful for is the fact that when it's my time to go, I have him waiting for me. I get to see him and hold him. He will get to hear me tell him I love him and he'll get to see my face for the first time. Oh, I can't wait for that day!

I love and miss you, Eli. I push forward because I have to. I can't let losing you be the end of me, although it did end a huge part of my life. Mommy can't wait to meet you all over again, my sweet angel.

Ramblings

Sleep on longer comes easy for me. I have to beg it to come lately. So, while trying to coax sleep into climbing in bed with me I have all this time to think. For most people thinking isn't bad but once you've lost a baby, thinking isn't always your friend. Tonights session is mainly "why is my life like this? this wasn't in the plan."

When I was in high school I had all kinds of goals for myself. I wanted to be a photographer, be a wife and a mother and own a beautiful house and have a comfortable life. Never in a million years would I dream of my life as it is now. I should have two sons laying in bed with me right now. Instead I'm smushed against the wall by my husband and Austin and dreaming of what my life would be like if Eli were still here.

Then my mind drifts to the what-ifs. What if I would've scheduled my BPP for Wednesday instead of Friday? They would've seen something was wrong, done a c-section and Eli would be here? What if I would've went to l&d the moment he wasn't moving like he should've? I would've been hooked up to monitors they would've noticed a problem, done a c-section and he would be here. I can sit here and "what-if" all day and it won't make a damn bit of difference. Like it or not, this is my life now. I will forever have a son that is in Heaven, who will never change and who will be waiting for me.

Back in the day

When I was in high school, writing used to be my outlet. I did it almost everyday. Since having Austin, writing hasn't been my top priority. However, since having Eli I find that it helps me get things off my chest. I am seriously considering writing a memoir on how I've dealt with this terrible situation I have been given. I doubt anyone would want to sit and read the whole thing, but it would give me a place to put all of my feelings.

Lost

 My dad was diagnosed with hepitatis c back in 2006 just shortly after I graduated high school. At that current point in time the prognosis was bad, but he was given 5 to 6 years. 2 years ago he had a liver biopsy done when he had his gallbladder removed. The biopsy showed the hepatits c has turned to cirrhosis (spelling?). This news crushed us all over again. Because my dad was a heavy drinker for quite some time and because of his drug use in his early days he isn't illegible for a liver transplant.
 A week ago he had surgery to repair a hernia and they once again did a liver biopsy. This time it was much worse. Stage 4 cirrhosis. His liver was completely hard and had lumps in it. They sent the biopsy off to be tested for cancer. The initial report came back and they told us there was no cancer but the piece of liver they biopsied was already dead from the cirrhosis.
 He was admitted into the hospital on the 10th because he wasn't feeling well. Tests revealed his ammonia levels were through the roof and that his disease levels had gone from 100,000 6 months ago to 1.8 million! He will be placed with home hospice care starting this Monday.
 I don't know what to do. I lost my Grandpa in May of 2009 to lung/brain cancer, I had to bury my son this past June; I CAN'T bury my Dad, too. It's just to much for me to handle. I know they say that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle but I seriously think he has made a mistake. How much can one person take? I just feel so alone.

Feel like I'm drowning

I was having an okay night until I wasn't. It just hit me all of a sudden and I felt as if I were drowning in my thoughts. This is the first night I can honestly say I wanted to ram my head into the wall to make the hurt on the inside go away. Obviously, I didn't do that b/c I know that the only thing that will do is give me a huge headache on top of everything else. Is it bad of me to say that sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me, that I want to forget this pain in my life? I don't want to forget Eli, just the hurt that goes with his passing. Just when I think I'm moving forward I fall back. I just can't get a grip on it and I don't know why. I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to Austin and I just can't keep living like this. What do I do?

Putting it out there

I know that infant loss is something people generally don't like to talk about. If I hadn't become a member of this community I don't think I would talk about it either. Unfortunately I am a member of this community and I don't think infant loss is talked about enough. I sent an email to Oprah's people to see if she would do a show on infant loss for her final season, haven't heard anything back so I"m assuming its a no-go. There has to be someway that we can bring light to this issue. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

Eli's Memorial Fund

For those who don't already know, my husband and I have started a memorial fund, "Eli Roseberry Memorial Fund for Infant Loss" in order to help other families in our area pay for funeral expenses, burial outfits, medical bills and headstones. We are always in need of donations to help keep this fund going. If you would like to make a donation you can send checks made out to Eli's Memorial Fund to:
Eli's Memorial Fund
c/o Amber Roseberry
245 Marvin Hicks Drive
Olive Hill, KY 41164

We also have quite a few braclets left for sale as well, $5 each, all proceeds going into Eli's fund. They are bi-colored; light pink and light blue. 'Infant Loss Awareness' on one side and 'In honor of Eli Roseberry' on the other.

I know that you all reading this know better than any how difficult it is physically, emotionally and financially to lose a child and we really want to help others who have to go through this.

http://www.eli-roseberrymemorialfund.webs.com/

Why doesn't he go?

Eli has been gone 11 weeks. It seems impossible to me. I still feel like it was yesterday that I was holding him in my arms and kissing him goodbye. My husband hasn't been to the cemetery in almost 2 months. I don't understand this, why doesn't he go? The only thing we can do for Eli is visit him at the cemetery and he hasn't gone. I understand that this situation sucks, that we should be holding him in our arms instead of going to the cemetery to visit him but for crying out loud when the only thing you can do for your child is visit them at the cemetery shouldn't that be what you do? My heart breaks when he doesn't go because it makes me feel like he doesn't care about Eli. I understand most people are sick of hearing about him because he isn't here to be a reminder that he was here. But damnit HE WAS HERE! Regardless if he took a breath or not he was here. I just want him to acknowledge that Eli was here and that he misses him like I do. Is this difficult to do??