Half year mark

Dear Eli,
 Before I can even write what I intended to I'm already in tears. I shouldn't be writing you this letter you should be here in my arms snuggled against me right now.  Alas, that is not what the cards held for me so instead I write to you.
 I never imagined in a million years when I got pregnant with you that I would spend 36 weeks preparing for you and wanting you just to have you taken away from me. I never dreamed that that was possible and here we are 2 days shy of your 6 month angelversary. I know I keep saying this and I sound like a broken record but, where did that time go? I've missed out on so much of your life and it hurts so bad and so deep that I can't breathe sometimes.
 I try and picture what you would like it right now and what you'd be doing but it's so hard because I can't see past your sweet baby face in the pictures I have of you and imagine it being bigger and full of life. I only know you in one form and as much as it hurts I'm glad I at least have that--my forever baby.
 I lay in bed at night replaying those words over and over in my head and wishing that I could make them go away and make you appear. It seems ridiculous that you're gone. How is that possible? I can't even explain in words the hurt I'm feeling right now. I want so badly to wake up tomorrow morning and find you snuggled next to me.
 Not only will you be 6 months old on Friday but Christmas is just a short week after that and I want you to be here to open presents and watch you try and eat the paper, maybe even put the package bows on your head and watch you shake them off. I want to be listening to you try and say "momma" for the first and and see your precious smile. I want to feel you.
 Living this new life sucks. I don't want to adjust to my life without you when I had planned to adjust to you in it. I want to be changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep and singing to you. You never realize just how precious those things are until you don't have the chance to do them. Most of all I wish you could've gotten to be with our family. No matter how many more babies we have we will NEVER be complete without you and while we are learning to live with that we will never accept it or be okay with it because it doesn't feel right.
 Please know that I am ALWAYS thinking about you and I'm ALWAYS missing you until the very last breath I have leaves my body you will ALWAYS be my baby.
 Love you forever,
Mommy

Rainbow Baby.......Girl!?!

Had a doctor appointment yesterday where I had an ultrasound. Baby was moving around like crazy! Everything looked good with the baby and I even got my due date moved up by one day to June 2nd. My doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex. Without hesitation I said "Yes". He said "Its a girl!" I about shit myself. I looked at him and said "Are you shitting me?" and he said "No, I'm not shitting you. Theres her vagina." My next few words were "holy hell" over and over again. I'm still in shock. He said he's 85% sure its a girl. We will find out for sure at our January visit. How long before the shock wears off? I mean don't get me wrong I'm happy but I'm also very shocked b/c I wasn't expecting it to be a girl. I have ZERO girl things and I'm too terrified to buy anything. So....until further notice we will be expecting Cailyn Paige Roseberry sometime in May!

Eli helping others

I got a message on my FB the other day from a girl I had never met that used to live in the same town I do. She explains to me that she lost her little boy on December 16th of 2009 and he doesn't have a headstone. She had heard or read about Eli's fund and wondered if we could help her get a headstone for her son. At first I was heartbroken because there was a precious baby taken too soon and he needed a headstone, something NO baby should ever need. Then I was happy because someone needing help not only means that their baby gets something that they deserve but also that Eli's memory is alive and he's doing good for someone else's baby. We currently don't have enough money to cover the full cost of her son's headstone so we will be holding a Christmas fundraiser (I hope) to help pay for it. If there is anyone out there who would have suggestions for fundraisers or who would be willing to donate a Christmas item or money to Eli's fund it would be greatly appreciated.

What I've learned

The last almost 21 weeks have been the most difficult for me. I had every intention of bringing home a baby and when I didn't and I had to bury him instead I literally felt like whatever was holding me up threw me straight to the ground.

While everyday life is difficult to say the least I have learned a few things that I will forever be grateful to Eli for. First, love has no limits. We never really got to meet Eli, I knew him of course because he grew inside of me for 36 beautiful weeks but as a person we never got to know him. Even though we will never be blessed to hear his cry, see his smile or just feel him, his love is rooted in the depths of my heart and they can never be taken away.

He also taught me to love while I can. I appreciate every little thing every person does for me. I did before but now its so much more meaningful. Someone dropping by to say "hi" and see how I am fills my cup of joy.

The most important thing he has taught me is that I have to appreciate what I have while I have it. I mourn for him everyday but I'm thankful that I had him. He changed me forever. I have a new found love for Austin that is deeper than it ever was. I appreciate every cry, tantrum, snuggle and kiss he has to give me. Though in some aspects I find that I am unlucky I also find that I am very lucky. I am lucky to have had such an amazing little boy who taught me more in his 36 weeks in my womb and 6 hours as an angel in my arms than I have ever known. I am so lucky to have Austin who continues to bless me everyday with his love and laughter. I love my boys more than life.

Fast approaching

The holiday season is upon us. Trick-or-treat night is this Thursday, which also marks week 18 without Eli. I helped my sister pick out my nephew's costume and it made me so sad because I wanted the boys to be something matchy.

**Right this second I'm sitting on the couch and Austin is in the rocking chair, sitting on the edge with his feet dangling over the side. I'm staring at his toes and noticing how wonderful they are and also sad because I will never again see Eli's toes. One of Austin's favorite things is to have me count his piggies :-(   **

I dreamed about taking them both out trick-or-treating in our double stroller that we bought mere days before we lost Eli. I can picture them in Batman and Robin costumes. Even though Halloween is a 'major holiday' its not the one I'm dreading. Christmas is the one I'm dreading.

We were all set to have another baby to buy for and here we are without. I know that putting on a happy face is what I'm gonna have to do. I can't make Christmas an unhappy day for Austin. I have to pull it together to celebrate with and for him. It also makes me sad because Christmas is also Austin's 2nd birthday and Eli is missing out on that, too.

Naming Rainbow Baby

I know, I know. 7 weeks is too early to be thinking about baby names, but I can't help it. I have to occupy my time so why not? I think I'm about 70% sure that if its a girl her name will be Noel, which means day of birth. The middle names are up in the air. This is what I have so far, with their meanings in paranthesis.
-Journey (a journey)
-Olivia (elf army)
-Morgan (uncertain)
-Autumn (autumn)
-Hope (hope)
-Jordyn (descend)
-Bailey (baliff)
-Eden (delight)
Any one have any suggestions?????

Boys names are the arguments around here. We can never agree on anything. I only found 3 names that I like but no middle names to go with them. Feel free to leave me suggestions for first and middle names for boys.
-Landon (long hill)
-Masen (bricklayer)
-Nathaniel (gift of God)

Flashbacks

I was laying here putting Austin down for a nap staring up at the ceiling lost in thoughts. I keep flashing back to the night my life spiraled out of control. That little pop that changed my whole world. I remember the nurses saying there are alot of clots in here and seeing the looks on their faces as two of them tried to place an iv, one tried to find the heartbeat and another prepped me for a c-section, just in case. I distinctly remember one nurse who thought she found his heartbeat and my momentary sigh of relief and then her saying, no that's just you. Why is it I keep replaying these moments that remind me that my son is gone? It's cruel. Right now I wanna stand on my rooftop and scream! OMG! My son is dead! In what way is that right or fair? I wanted him. We wanted him. Now I have to go my whole life without him and daydreaming about what my life would be like if he were here. THIS IS DISGUSTING! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I can't let this happen again. This could've been prevented. It's my fault, I should've paid more attention to what was going on and I didn't. He could still be here. I killed him, its my fault. I'm so stupid! How am I supposed to live with this?