Ramblings

Sleep on longer comes easy for me. I have to beg it to come lately. So, while trying to coax sleep into climbing in bed with me I have all this time to think. For most people thinking isn't bad but once you've lost a baby, thinking isn't always your friend. Tonights session is mainly "why is my life like this? this wasn't in the plan."

When I was in high school I had all kinds of goals for myself. I wanted to be a photographer, be a wife and a mother and own a beautiful house and have a comfortable life. Never in a million years would I dream of my life as it is now. I should have two sons laying in bed with me right now. Instead I'm smushed against the wall by my husband and Austin and dreaming of what my life would be like if Eli were still here.

Then my mind drifts to the what-ifs. What if I would've scheduled my BPP for Wednesday instead of Friday? They would've seen something was wrong, done a c-section and Eli would be here? What if I would've went to l&d the moment he wasn't moving like he should've? I would've been hooked up to monitors they would've noticed a problem, done a c-section and he would be here. I can sit here and "what-if" all day and it won't make a damn bit of difference. Like it or not, this is my life now. I will forever have a son that is in Heaven, who will never change and who will be waiting for me.

Back in the day

When I was in high school, writing used to be my outlet. I did it almost everyday. Since having Austin, writing hasn't been my top priority. However, since having Eli I find that it helps me get things off my chest. I am seriously considering writing a memoir on how I've dealt with this terrible situation I have been given. I doubt anyone would want to sit and read the whole thing, but it would give me a place to put all of my feelings.

Lost

 My dad was diagnosed with hepitatis c back in 2006 just shortly after I graduated high school. At that current point in time the prognosis was bad, but he was given 5 to 6 years. 2 years ago he had a liver biopsy done when he had his gallbladder removed. The biopsy showed the hepatits c has turned to cirrhosis (spelling?). This news crushed us all over again. Because my dad was a heavy drinker for quite some time and because of his drug use in his early days he isn't illegible for a liver transplant.
 A week ago he had surgery to repair a hernia and they once again did a liver biopsy. This time it was much worse. Stage 4 cirrhosis. His liver was completely hard and had lumps in it. They sent the biopsy off to be tested for cancer. The initial report came back and they told us there was no cancer but the piece of liver they biopsied was already dead from the cirrhosis.
 He was admitted into the hospital on the 10th because he wasn't feeling well. Tests revealed his ammonia levels were through the roof and that his disease levels had gone from 100,000 6 months ago to 1.8 million! He will be placed with home hospice care starting this Monday.
 I don't know what to do. I lost my Grandpa in May of 2009 to lung/brain cancer, I had to bury my son this past June; I CAN'T bury my Dad, too. It's just to much for me to handle. I know they say that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle but I seriously think he has made a mistake. How much can one person take? I just feel so alone.

Feel like I'm drowning

I was having an okay night until I wasn't. It just hit me all of a sudden and I felt as if I were drowning in my thoughts. This is the first night I can honestly say I wanted to ram my head into the wall to make the hurt on the inside go away. Obviously, I didn't do that b/c I know that the only thing that will do is give me a huge headache on top of everything else. Is it bad of me to say that sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me, that I want to forget this pain in my life? I don't want to forget Eli, just the hurt that goes with his passing. Just when I think I'm moving forward I fall back. I just can't get a grip on it and I don't know why. I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to Austin and I just can't keep living like this. What do I do?

Putting it out there

I know that infant loss is something people generally don't like to talk about. If I hadn't become a member of this community I don't think I would talk about it either. Unfortunately I am a member of this community and I don't think infant loss is talked about enough. I sent an email to Oprah's people to see if she would do a show on infant loss for her final season, haven't heard anything back so I"m assuming its a no-go. There has to be someway that we can bring light to this issue. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

Eli's Memorial Fund

For those who don't already know, my husband and I have started a memorial fund, "Eli Roseberry Memorial Fund for Infant Loss" in order to help other families in our area pay for funeral expenses, burial outfits, medical bills and headstones. We are always in need of donations to help keep this fund going. If you would like to make a donation you can send checks made out to Eli's Memorial Fund to:
Eli's Memorial Fund
c/o Amber Roseberry
245 Marvin Hicks Drive
Olive Hill, KY 41164

We also have quite a few braclets left for sale as well, $5 each, all proceeds going into Eli's fund. They are bi-colored; light pink and light blue. 'Infant Loss Awareness' on one side and 'In honor of Eli Roseberry' on the other.

I know that you all reading this know better than any how difficult it is physically, emotionally and financially to lose a child and we really want to help others who have to go through this.

http://www.eli-roseberrymemorialfund.webs.com/

Why doesn't he go?

Eli has been gone 11 weeks. It seems impossible to me. I still feel like it was yesterday that I was holding him in my arms and kissing him goodbye. My husband hasn't been to the cemetery in almost 2 months. I don't understand this, why doesn't he go? The only thing we can do for Eli is visit him at the cemetery and he hasn't gone. I understand that this situation sucks, that we should be holding him in our arms instead of going to the cemetery to visit him but for crying out loud when the only thing you can do for your child is visit them at the cemetery shouldn't that be what you do? My heart breaks when he doesn't go because it makes me feel like he doesn't care about Eli. I understand most people are sick of hearing about him because he isn't here to be a reminder that he was here. But damnit HE WAS HERE! Regardless if he took a breath or not he was here. I just want him to acknowledge that Eli was here and that he misses him like I do. Is this difficult to do??