Half year mark

Dear Eli,
 Before I can even write what I intended to I'm already in tears. I shouldn't be writing you this letter you should be here in my arms snuggled against me right now.  Alas, that is not what the cards held for me so instead I write to you.
 I never imagined in a million years when I got pregnant with you that I would spend 36 weeks preparing for you and wanting you just to have you taken away from me. I never dreamed that that was possible and here we are 2 days shy of your 6 month angelversary. I know I keep saying this and I sound like a broken record but, where did that time go? I've missed out on so much of your life and it hurts so bad and so deep that I can't breathe sometimes.
 I try and picture what you would like it right now and what you'd be doing but it's so hard because I can't see past your sweet baby face in the pictures I have of you and imagine it being bigger and full of life. I only know you in one form and as much as it hurts I'm glad I at least have that--my forever baby.
 I lay in bed at night replaying those words over and over in my head and wishing that I could make them go away and make you appear. It seems ridiculous that you're gone. How is that possible? I can't even explain in words the hurt I'm feeling right now. I want so badly to wake up tomorrow morning and find you snuggled next to me.
 Not only will you be 6 months old on Friday but Christmas is just a short week after that and I want you to be here to open presents and watch you try and eat the paper, maybe even put the package bows on your head and watch you shake them off. I want to be listening to you try and say "momma" for the first and and see your precious smile. I want to feel you.
 Living this new life sucks. I don't want to adjust to my life without you when I had planned to adjust to you in it. I want to be changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep and singing to you. You never realize just how precious those things are until you don't have the chance to do them. Most of all I wish you could've gotten to be with our family. No matter how many more babies we have we will NEVER be complete without you and while we are learning to live with that we will never accept it or be okay with it because it doesn't feel right.
 Please know that I am ALWAYS thinking about you and I'm ALWAYS missing you until the very last breath I have leaves my body you will ALWAYS be my baby.
 Love you forever,
Mommy