Since my check up following Eli's birth my husband and I have been TTC. Since I started on July 30th I figured I missed my ovulation for July. I did track it for August but apparently that didn't matter. Found out today that we didn't conceive this month : '(
My first two pregnancies we didn't even have to try! Austin was a surprise considering his was conceived while using protection and when we decided to get pregnant again we only tried one cycle and bam! I guess I'm putting extra pressure on myself b/c I feel the need to fill my aching arms and try and fill some of this hurt that I have. And yes, I know that NO baby could ever replace or fill the void that Eli left and I'm not trying to do that, I just feel like I was cheated out of something I wanted so badly! I am thankful that I have Austin, he brings smiles to my days. He gives me a reason to get up every morning.
I know this probably sounds terrible but this is what I feel in my heart: If Eli was always going to leave me, it would've been easier if I would've miscarried him in the beginning; before I knew what he was, who he was and before I fell unconditionally in love with him. However, I am grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to him after I had heard him cry or see his beautiful eyes and smile. I hope that my saying this doesn't offend anybody, that is in no way my intention. I do believe with all my heart that you all understand where I'm coming from.