Wednesday, August 25, 2010


Since my check up following Eli's birth my husband and I have been TTC. Since I started on July 30th I figured I missed my ovulation for July. I did track it for August but apparently that didn't matter. Found out today that we didn't conceive this month : '(

My first two pregnancies we didn't even have to try! Austin was a surprise considering his was conceived while using protection and when we decided to get pregnant again we only tried one cycle and bam! I guess I'm putting extra pressure on myself b/c I feel the need to fill my aching arms and try and fill some of this hurt that I have. And yes, I know that NO baby could ever replace or fill the void that Eli left and I'm not trying to do that, I just feel like I was cheated out of something I wanted so badly! I am thankful that I have Austin, he brings smiles to my days. He gives me a reason to get up every morning.

I know this probably sounds terrible but this is what I feel in my heart: If Eli was always going to leave me, it would've been easier if I would've miscarried him in the beginning; before I knew what he was, who he was and before I fell unconditionally in love with him. However, I am grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to him after I had heard him cry or see his beautiful eyes and smile. I hope that my saying this doesn't offend anybody, that is in no way my intention. I do believe with all my heart that you all understand where I'm coming from.


  1. Praying for you so much. Praying soon your arms will be full again.


  2. ((hugs)) I'm sorry. I hope that you will get the news you want soon.

  3. It's not a terrible thing to say. I remember thinking that at first, but as I went along and progressed through my grief I realize how thankful I was to have my little Mason, who was also born peacefully asleep 5 years ago today, for the time that I did (39 weeks) and all the little kicks etc. And I am so grateful for all the pictures I have that let me know he was here and he will always be forever in my heart. I feel your pain over the conception issues too. I cried and fell apart after each negative test. But keep trying! On Mason's 1 year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant and that my oldest son was Autistic. I was both elated and grieved. But the best part was that I finally had some joy to balance out all the pain. My little rainbow baby Andrew was born March 29th 2007 after a crash c-section when we lost his heart beat. He is the sunshine in my life! Best Wishes and hang in their!
    Tami Twitchell