Since my check up following Eli's birth my husband and I have been TTC. Since I started on July 30th I figured I missed my ovulation for July. I did track it for August but apparently that didn't matter. Found out today that we didn't conceive this month : '(
My first two pregnancies we didn't even have to try! Austin was a surprise considering his was conceived while using protection and when we decided to get pregnant again we only tried one cycle and bam! I guess I'm putting extra pressure on myself b/c I feel the need to fill my aching arms and try and fill some of this hurt that I have. And yes, I know that NO baby could ever replace or fill the void that Eli left and I'm not trying to do that, I just feel like I was cheated out of something I wanted so badly! I am thankful that I have Austin, he brings smiles to my days. He gives me a reason to get up every morning.
I know this probably sounds terrible but this is what I feel in my heart: If Eli was always going to leave me, it would've been easier if I would've miscarried him in the beginning; before I knew what he was, who he was and before I fell unconditionally in love with him. However, I am grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to him after I had heard him cry or see his beautiful eyes and smile. I hope that my saying this doesn't offend anybody, that is in no way my intention. I do believe with all my heart that you all understand where I'm coming from.
Praying for you so much. Praying soon your arms will be full again.
ReplyDeleteCaroline
((hugs)) I'm sorry. I hope that you will get the news you want soon.
ReplyDeleteIt's not a terrible thing to say. I remember thinking that at first, but as I went along and progressed through my grief I realize how thankful I was to have my little Mason, who was also born peacefully asleep 5 years ago today, for the time that I did (39 weeks) and all the little kicks etc. And I am so grateful for all the pictures I have that let me know he was here and he will always be forever in my heart. I feel your pain over the conception issues too. I cried and fell apart after each negative test. But keep trying! On Mason's 1 year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant and that my oldest son was Autistic. I was both elated and grieved. But the best part was that I finally had some joy to balance out all the pain. My little rainbow baby Andrew was born March 29th 2007 after a crash c-section when we lost his heart beat. He is the sunshine in my life! Best Wishes and hang in their!
ReplyDeleteTami Twitchell