Fast approaching

The holiday season is upon us. Trick-or-treat night is this Thursday, which also marks week 18 without Eli. I helped my sister pick out my nephew's costume and it made me so sad because I wanted the boys to be something matchy.

**Right this second I'm sitting on the couch and Austin is in the rocking chair, sitting on the edge with his feet dangling over the side. I'm staring at his toes and noticing how wonderful they are and also sad because I will never again see Eli's toes. One of Austin's favorite things is to have me count his piggies :-(   **

I dreamed about taking them both out trick-or-treating in our double stroller that we bought mere days before we lost Eli. I can picture them in Batman and Robin costumes. Even though Halloween is a 'major holiday' its not the one I'm dreading. Christmas is the one I'm dreading.

We were all set to have another baby to buy for and here we are without. I know that putting on a happy face is what I'm gonna have to do. I can't make Christmas an unhappy day for Austin. I have to pull it together to celebrate with and for him. It also makes me sad because Christmas is also Austin's 2nd birthday and Eli is missing out on that, too.

Naming Rainbow Baby

I know, I know. 7 weeks is too early to be thinking about baby names, but I can't help it. I have to occupy my time so why not? I think I'm about 70% sure that if its a girl her name will be Noel, which means day of birth. The middle names are up in the air. This is what I have so far, with their meanings in paranthesis.
-Journey (a journey)
-Olivia (elf army)
-Morgan (uncertain)
-Autumn (autumn)
-Hope (hope)
-Jordyn (descend)
-Bailey (baliff)
-Eden (delight)
Any one have any suggestions?????

Boys names are the arguments around here. We can never agree on anything. I only found 3 names that I like but no middle names to go with them. Feel free to leave me suggestions for first and middle names for boys.
-Landon (long hill)
-Masen (bricklayer)
-Nathaniel (gift of God)

Flashbacks

I was laying here putting Austin down for a nap staring up at the ceiling lost in thoughts. I keep flashing back to the night my life spiraled out of control. That little pop that changed my whole world. I remember the nurses saying there are alot of clots in here and seeing the looks on their faces as two of them tried to place an iv, one tried to find the heartbeat and another prepped me for a c-section, just in case. I distinctly remember one nurse who thought she found his heartbeat and my momentary sigh of relief and then her saying, no that's just you. Why is it I keep replaying these moments that remind me that my son is gone? It's cruel. Right now I wanna stand on my rooftop and scream! OMG! My son is dead! In what way is that right or fair? I wanted him. We wanted him. Now I have to go my whole life without him and daydreaming about what my life would be like if he were here. THIS IS DISGUSTING! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I can't let this happen again. This could've been prevented. It's my fault, I should've paid more attention to what was going on and I didn't. He could still be here. I killed him, its my fault. I'm so stupid! How am I supposed to live with this?

Reliving it

We were driving on the intertate yesterday evening and I just sat and stared out the window at the turning and falling leaves. I couldn't help but relive what happened the night I lost Eli. It literally came in flashes. Turning on the shower, sitting to go pee, the pop and the blood pouring from me. Thinking to myself that he was gone but never saying it aloud. The call to l&d to tell them I was coming. The look on their faces when they couldn't find his heartbeat, the words the doctor said to me when he confirmed that Eli was gone. The look in David's eyes once he realized what he had said. The waiting and waiting and crying and crying. Delievering him turning away because it was too painful to look at him knowing he was gone. Holding him for the first time and begging him to breathe. Letting the nurse take him and give him to the man from the funeral home and the panic attack that followed. Making his funeral arrangements and thinking how ridiculous is was and is that I had to bury my son. Seeing him in that damn casket and wanting nothing more than to pick him up and run away with him. Seeing him being wheeled out with the lid on his casket knowing that I would never see him again and then following him to the cemetery. Here we are almost 4 months later and it hurts just as much now as it did then. I can't see how it could ever feel any better.

Here come the holidays

Haven't blogged in a few days. I just feel bogged down. The weather is changing and the leaves are falling and I so badly want to see both my boys out playing in a big pile of them. Hard to believe its been almost 4 months already.Where has that time gone?

The holiday season is fast approaching and I find myself in a deep funk about it. I saw the cutest halloween costumes online the other day and they made me so sad. I kept picturing Austin wearing this big bowl of mac and cheese and Eli being a package of wonder bread, lol. They would've been so adorable together. Now, I can't seem to figure out what Austin will be because I pictured them going as a pair this year :-(

I'm not really concerned about Thanksgiving. Yes, its a major holiday but its not a dress up or get gifts holiday. Christmas on the other hand is going to be the most difficult of all. Not only is it Austin's 2nd birthday but our first without Eli. I should be buying gifts for both my boys this year and instead I'll be buying him a new wreath or set of flowers for his grave. How unfair can life be?

When 2011 rings in I think I'll find some relief. I'll be starting school and counting down the weeks until our rainbow gets here. Bean is due on June 3rd and I'm hoping that he comes at the end of May. I really don't think I could handle having another baby in June, even if it is 2 weeks before Eli's birthday/angelversary. It's just going to be too hard.

BLM's: If you've already experienced major holidays and that first year mark, please tell me how you did it. I just feel like it's going to be impossible the next few months.

Stories of Loss

I had this thought...scary I know. There are some books out there where women tell their stories of loss, which is fantastic, I'm glad there are brave people out there who are willing to share their most difficult time in their lives. What I think would be even better is a book that included all our stories of loss. There are so many reasons we lost our babies and I think my story is just as important as yours and other people who experience loss want to be able to associate with someone else. So what if we put together all of our stories into one book? What do you all think? Am I crazy for wanting to do this?

One of those days

Today was the first time I've been to visit Eli since learning I was pregnant. In some ways I felt so guilty knowing that I was carrying his sibling while visiting him there and he's only been gone 3.5 mths. I do know that he would want me to be happy, not move on but be in a better place. It still seems so ridiculous to me that he's gone and I won't ever get to see him again. I spent 36 weeks growing and loving him just to give him up and it's not fair. Everytime I look at his picture I draw in my head because I'm so afraid I'm gonna forget what he looks like and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How do you get over feeling like this? I spent months getting a routine together to incorporate him into my life and now I'm learning to cope without him :'(

The magic number is.....

Thanks to my husband's cousin I went down to the clinic this morning and requested a copy of my blood work that Dr. F did yesterday. At first the guy behind the desk looked concerned which freaked me out. He asked if they went over the results with me yet. Paranoid! He then printed it off and handed it to me. I managed to make it out the door before I looked down at the number...293! I am most definetely pregnant still! YAY! Now I have to call Dr. F's office and schedule an appointment