Reliving it

We were driving on the intertate yesterday evening and I just sat and stared out the window at the turning and falling leaves. I couldn't help but relive what happened the night I lost Eli. It literally came in flashes. Turning on the shower, sitting to go pee, the pop and the blood pouring from me. Thinking to myself that he was gone but never saying it aloud. The call to l&d to tell them I was coming. The look on their faces when they couldn't find his heartbeat, the words the doctor said to me when he confirmed that Eli was gone. The look in David's eyes once he realized what he had said. The waiting and waiting and crying and crying. Delievering him turning away because it was too painful to look at him knowing he was gone. Holding him for the first time and begging him to breathe. Letting the nurse take him and give him to the man from the funeral home and the panic attack that followed. Making his funeral arrangements and thinking how ridiculous is was and is that I had to bury my son. Seeing him in that damn casket and wanting nothing more than to pick him up and run away with him. Seeing him being wheeled out with the lid on his casket knowing that I would never see him again and then following him to the cemetery. Here we are almost 4 months later and it hurts just as much now as it did then. I can't see how it could ever feel any better.