Monday, October 18, 2010
Flashbacks
I was laying here putting Austin down for a nap staring up at the ceiling lost in thoughts. I keep flashing back to the night my life spiraled out of control. That little pop that changed my whole world. I remember the nurses saying there are alot of clots in here and seeing the looks on their faces as two of them tried to place an iv, one tried to find the heartbeat and another prepped me for a c-section, just in case. I distinctly remember one nurse who thought she found his heartbeat and my momentary sigh of relief and then her saying, no that's just you. Why is it I keep replaying these moments that remind me that my son is gone? It's cruel. Right now I wanna stand on my rooftop and scream! OMG! My son is dead! In what way is that right or fair? I wanted him. We wanted him. Now I have to go my whole life without him and daydreaming about what my life would be like if he were here. THIS IS DISGUSTING! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I can't let this happen again. This could've been prevented. It's my fault, I should've paid more attention to what was going on and I didn't. He could still be here. I killed him, its my fault. I'm so stupid! How am I supposed to live with this?
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((HUGS)) I am so sorry, I wish there was something I could do to help you. Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers.
ReplyDeleteWe all in some way try to blame ourselves for the loss of our children.. but in reality, we are not to blame. You love Eli, and I know you want nothing but the best for him. You did not purposely let him die. How were you to know? I know nothing I say is going to help, because guilt is apart of the grieving process, but I hate to see someone blame their-self when they did nothing wrong. The name of your blog is "Eli Sends Me Butterflies". He sends you butterflies to let you know he's okay. I know it is hard, because he is not here with you, but he wouldn't want you to take responsibility for something you had no control over. It could have been prevented, right? Well, how can you prevent something you don't know is happening?
ReplyDeleteI am in absolutely NO way comparing it loosing a child is a way worse, I know from experience, but my mother died in December. She had a heart attack. It could have been prevented, but how would we have known it, without knowing something was wrong? We couldn't.
I am praying that you, and me, and all of my other friends can find peace. It is going to be a long journey, but I believe with the support of good friends who know what you are going through, it will get easier with time. Or at least I hope so.
With love,
Cally aka Serenity's Mommy