Monday, October 18, 2010
I was laying here putting Austin down for a nap staring up at the ceiling lost in thoughts. I keep flashing back to the night my life spiraled out of control. That little pop that changed my whole world. I remember the nurses saying there are alot of clots in here and seeing the looks on their faces as two of them tried to place an iv, one tried to find the heartbeat and another prepped me for a c-section, just in case. I distinctly remember one nurse who thought she found his heartbeat and my momentary sigh of relief and then her saying, no that's just you. Why is it I keep replaying these moments that remind me that my son is gone? It's cruel. Right now I wanna stand on my rooftop and scream! OMG! My son is dead! In what way is that right or fair? I wanted him. We wanted him. Now I have to go my whole life without him and daydreaming about what my life would be like if he were here. THIS IS DISGUSTING! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I can't let this happen again. This could've been prevented. It's my fault, I should've paid more attention to what was going on and I didn't. He could still be here. I killed him, its my fault. I'm so stupid! How am I supposed to live with this?
Posted by Amber Roseberry at 12:50 PM