Friday, September 10, 2010

Feel like I'm drowning

I was having an okay night until I wasn't. It just hit me all of a sudden and I felt as if I were drowning in my thoughts. This is the first night I can honestly say I wanted to ram my head into the wall to make the hurt on the inside go away. Obviously, I didn't do that b/c I know that the only thing that will do is give me a huge headache on top of everything else. Is it bad of me to say that sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me, that I want to forget this pain in my life? I don't want to forget Eli, just the hurt that goes with his passing. Just when I think I'm moving forward I fall back. I just can't get a grip on it and I don't know why. I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to Austin and I just can't keep living like this. What do I do?


  1. im so sorry you are feeling like this Amber, sadly this is the grief day up one day down, and as you have learned today...the morning and night can end completely different. Wanting to forget the pain is ok...but I dont have advice on 'how' to forget the pain. 6 and a half months later my heart is broken for her. Feeling like something will happen to Austin is VERY NORMAL...its actually something everyone goes through at one afraid something will happen to my step son and my husband all the time...I wish I can tell you how long it will take for the pain to lesson and not feel so consuming..but everyone is different. you are very fresh in your loss and as the fog lifts, reality is going to settle in more and more and the pain is there. Be gentle with yourself and when it feels like to much take deep breaths...take a bath....take a have to find what works for you..some do projects for the babies, some read, dance, garden, write....draw etc...basically something to do that puts your energy into it...((hugs))

  2. Oh honey I wish I could hug you right now. I wish I had answers for you, I wish there was something I could say to take all your pain away. But its not possible =( after I lost Jordan I had a few good days, and then right when I thought things were looking up (as much as they can considering) I would hear a simple song, see a picture that reminded me of him, or see a baloon in the sky and I would just lose it.
    there were points where I have gone a week without crying, and losing it, there have been times when I have gone months. but then out of no where have a break down.
    and I have a feeling this is how it will always be.
    the time in between breakdowns may spread out, but I am sure I will always have them.
    I wish non of us had to have this pain in our life.

  3. What you are felling is normal! I am now just over 8 months out and I still have days like this. I have become extremely over protective with my other 3. I wish I could just lock them in a padded room, so nothing could happen to them. My oldest was invited to Australia for a school trip all expenses paid this summer and I couldn't let him go. There are no clear cut answers. Just try to go with the flow. On those bad days open up and allow yourself to feel the pain and on the good days soak it up and let yourself enjoy life. Grief has such an ugly face, but unfortunately if you don't let yourself experience it now it will sneak up on you later. With time you will learn things that work for you to get through this process. Just be easy on yourself and know that everything you are experiencing is completely normal. (((HUGS)))

  4. i agree with the other ladie. there are no words or a magic time frame to go by. you will always miss him, you will always hurt, and you will always want to protect your other little miracle. we all have bad nites, or bad days, or sometimes bad weeks. grief sux. Ireland has been gone since March 2009 and some times I can't believe it's been over a year! I used to read posts from parents and wonder how you survive a whole year when I didn't even want to survive a single day. sigh. we just keep going, keep putting one foot in front of the other and carry on.
    I also think it's a great idea to find something that you like to do to sink some of your energy into. i know you have a fund set up in Eli's name and that is so wonderful what you're doing.
    think of him, love him, cry for him.