Monday, September 13, 2010


Sleep on longer comes easy for me. I have to beg it to come lately. So, while trying to coax sleep into climbing in bed with me I have all this time to think. For most people thinking isn't bad but once you've lost a baby, thinking isn't always your friend. Tonights session is mainly "why is my life like this? this wasn't in the plan."

When I was in high school I had all kinds of goals for myself. I wanted to be a photographer, be a wife and a mother and own a beautiful house and have a comfortable life. Never in a million years would I dream of my life as it is now. I should have two sons laying in bed with me right now. Instead I'm smushed against the wall by my husband and Austin and dreaming of what my life would be like if Eli were still here.

Then my mind drifts to the what-ifs. What if I would've scheduled my BPP for Wednesday instead of Friday? They would've seen something was wrong, done a c-section and Eli would be here? What if I would've went to l&d the moment he wasn't moving like he should've? I would've been hooked up to monitors they would've noticed a problem, done a c-section and he would be here. I can sit here and "what-if" all day and it won't make a damn bit of difference. Like it or not, this is my life now. I will forever have a son that is in Heaven, who will never change and who will be waiting for me.

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