Half year mark

Dear Eli,
 Before I can even write what I intended to I'm already in tears. I shouldn't be writing you this letter you should be here in my arms snuggled against me right now.  Alas, that is not what the cards held for me so instead I write to you.
 I never imagined in a million years when I got pregnant with you that I would spend 36 weeks preparing for you and wanting you just to have you taken away from me. I never dreamed that that was possible and here we are 2 days shy of your 6 month angelversary. I know I keep saying this and I sound like a broken record but, where did that time go? I've missed out on so much of your life and it hurts so bad and so deep that I can't breathe sometimes.
 I try and picture what you would like it right now and what you'd be doing but it's so hard because I can't see past your sweet baby face in the pictures I have of you and imagine it being bigger and full of life. I only know you in one form and as much as it hurts I'm glad I at least have that--my forever baby.
 I lay in bed at night replaying those words over and over in my head and wishing that I could make them go away and make you appear. It seems ridiculous that you're gone. How is that possible? I can't even explain in words the hurt I'm feeling right now. I want so badly to wake up tomorrow morning and find you snuggled next to me.
 Not only will you be 6 months old on Friday but Christmas is just a short week after that and I want you to be here to open presents and watch you try and eat the paper, maybe even put the package bows on your head and watch you shake them off. I want to be listening to you try and say "momma" for the first and and see your precious smile. I want to feel you.
 Living this new life sucks. I don't want to adjust to my life without you when I had planned to adjust to you in it. I want to be changing your diapers, giving you baths, rocking you to sleep and singing to you. You never realize just how precious those things are until you don't have the chance to do them. Most of all I wish you could've gotten to be with our family. No matter how many more babies we have we will NEVER be complete without you and while we are learning to live with that we will never accept it or be okay with it because it doesn't feel right.
 Please know that I am ALWAYS thinking about you and I'm ALWAYS missing you until the very last breath I have leaves my body you will ALWAYS be my baby.
 Love you forever,
Mommy

Rainbow Baby.......Girl!?!

Had a doctor appointment yesterday where I had an ultrasound. Baby was moving around like crazy! Everything looked good with the baby and I even got my due date moved up by one day to June 2nd. My doctor asked me if I wanted to know the sex. Without hesitation I said "Yes". He said "Its a girl!" I about shit myself. I looked at him and said "Are you shitting me?" and he said "No, I'm not shitting you. Theres her vagina." My next few words were "holy hell" over and over again. I'm still in shock. He said he's 85% sure its a girl. We will find out for sure at our January visit. How long before the shock wears off? I mean don't get me wrong I'm happy but I'm also very shocked b/c I wasn't expecting it to be a girl. I have ZERO girl things and I'm too terrified to buy anything. So....until further notice we will be expecting Cailyn Paige Roseberry sometime in May!

Eli helping others

I got a message on my FB the other day from a girl I had never met that used to live in the same town I do. She explains to me that she lost her little boy on December 16th of 2009 and he doesn't have a headstone. She had heard or read about Eli's fund and wondered if we could help her get a headstone for her son. At first I was heartbroken because there was a precious baby taken too soon and he needed a headstone, something NO baby should ever need. Then I was happy because someone needing help not only means that their baby gets something that they deserve but also that Eli's memory is alive and he's doing good for someone else's baby. We currently don't have enough money to cover the full cost of her son's headstone so we will be holding a Christmas fundraiser (I hope) to help pay for it. If there is anyone out there who would have suggestions for fundraisers or who would be willing to donate a Christmas item or money to Eli's fund it would be greatly appreciated.

What I've learned

The last almost 21 weeks have been the most difficult for me. I had every intention of bringing home a baby and when I didn't and I had to bury him instead I literally felt like whatever was holding me up threw me straight to the ground.

While everyday life is difficult to say the least I have learned a few things that I will forever be grateful to Eli for. First, love has no limits. We never really got to meet Eli, I knew him of course because he grew inside of me for 36 beautiful weeks but as a person we never got to know him. Even though we will never be blessed to hear his cry, see his smile or just feel him, his love is rooted in the depths of my heart and they can never be taken away.

He also taught me to love while I can. I appreciate every little thing every person does for me. I did before but now its so much more meaningful. Someone dropping by to say "hi" and see how I am fills my cup of joy.

The most important thing he has taught me is that I have to appreciate what I have while I have it. I mourn for him everyday but I'm thankful that I had him. He changed me forever. I have a new found love for Austin that is deeper than it ever was. I appreciate every cry, tantrum, snuggle and kiss he has to give me. Though in some aspects I find that I am unlucky I also find that I am very lucky. I am lucky to have had such an amazing little boy who taught me more in his 36 weeks in my womb and 6 hours as an angel in my arms than I have ever known. I am so lucky to have Austin who continues to bless me everyday with his love and laughter. I love my boys more than life.

Fast approaching

The holiday season is upon us. Trick-or-treat night is this Thursday, which also marks week 18 without Eli. I helped my sister pick out my nephew's costume and it made me so sad because I wanted the boys to be something matchy.

**Right this second I'm sitting on the couch and Austin is in the rocking chair, sitting on the edge with his feet dangling over the side. I'm staring at his toes and noticing how wonderful they are and also sad because I will never again see Eli's toes. One of Austin's favorite things is to have me count his piggies :-(   **

I dreamed about taking them both out trick-or-treating in our double stroller that we bought mere days before we lost Eli. I can picture them in Batman and Robin costumes. Even though Halloween is a 'major holiday' its not the one I'm dreading. Christmas is the one I'm dreading.

We were all set to have another baby to buy for and here we are without. I know that putting on a happy face is what I'm gonna have to do. I can't make Christmas an unhappy day for Austin. I have to pull it together to celebrate with and for him. It also makes me sad because Christmas is also Austin's 2nd birthday and Eli is missing out on that, too.

Naming Rainbow Baby

I know, I know. 7 weeks is too early to be thinking about baby names, but I can't help it. I have to occupy my time so why not? I think I'm about 70% sure that if its a girl her name will be Noel, which means day of birth. The middle names are up in the air. This is what I have so far, with their meanings in paranthesis.
-Journey (a journey)
-Olivia (elf army)
-Morgan (uncertain)
-Autumn (autumn)
-Hope (hope)
-Jordyn (descend)
-Bailey (baliff)
-Eden (delight)
Any one have any suggestions?????

Boys names are the arguments around here. We can never agree on anything. I only found 3 names that I like but no middle names to go with them. Feel free to leave me suggestions for first and middle names for boys.
-Landon (long hill)
-Masen (bricklayer)
-Nathaniel (gift of God)

Flashbacks

I was laying here putting Austin down for a nap staring up at the ceiling lost in thoughts. I keep flashing back to the night my life spiraled out of control. That little pop that changed my whole world. I remember the nurses saying there are alot of clots in here and seeing the looks on their faces as two of them tried to place an iv, one tried to find the heartbeat and another prepped me for a c-section, just in case. I distinctly remember one nurse who thought she found his heartbeat and my momentary sigh of relief and then her saying, no that's just you. Why is it I keep replaying these moments that remind me that my son is gone? It's cruel. Right now I wanna stand on my rooftop and scream! OMG! My son is dead! In what way is that right or fair? I wanted him. We wanted him. Now I have to go my whole life without him and daydreaming about what my life would be like if he were here. THIS IS DISGUSTING! HORRIBLE, HORRIBLE WAY TO LIVE! I can't let this happen again. This could've been prevented. It's my fault, I should've paid more attention to what was going on and I didn't. He could still be here. I killed him, its my fault. I'm so stupid! How am I supposed to live with this?

Reliving it

We were driving on the intertate yesterday evening and I just sat and stared out the window at the turning and falling leaves. I couldn't help but relive what happened the night I lost Eli. It literally came in flashes. Turning on the shower, sitting to go pee, the pop and the blood pouring from me. Thinking to myself that he was gone but never saying it aloud. The call to l&d to tell them I was coming. The look on their faces when they couldn't find his heartbeat, the words the doctor said to me when he confirmed that Eli was gone. The look in David's eyes once he realized what he had said. The waiting and waiting and crying and crying. Delievering him turning away because it was too painful to look at him knowing he was gone. Holding him for the first time and begging him to breathe. Letting the nurse take him and give him to the man from the funeral home and the panic attack that followed. Making his funeral arrangements and thinking how ridiculous is was and is that I had to bury my son. Seeing him in that damn casket and wanting nothing more than to pick him up and run away with him. Seeing him being wheeled out with the lid on his casket knowing that I would never see him again and then following him to the cemetery. Here we are almost 4 months later and it hurts just as much now as it did then. I can't see how it could ever feel any better.

Here come the holidays

Haven't blogged in a few days. I just feel bogged down. The weather is changing and the leaves are falling and I so badly want to see both my boys out playing in a big pile of them. Hard to believe its been almost 4 months already.Where has that time gone?

The holiday season is fast approaching and I find myself in a deep funk about it. I saw the cutest halloween costumes online the other day and they made me so sad. I kept picturing Austin wearing this big bowl of mac and cheese and Eli being a package of wonder bread, lol. They would've been so adorable together. Now, I can't seem to figure out what Austin will be because I pictured them going as a pair this year :-(

I'm not really concerned about Thanksgiving. Yes, its a major holiday but its not a dress up or get gifts holiday. Christmas on the other hand is going to be the most difficult of all. Not only is it Austin's 2nd birthday but our first without Eli. I should be buying gifts for both my boys this year and instead I'll be buying him a new wreath or set of flowers for his grave. How unfair can life be?

When 2011 rings in I think I'll find some relief. I'll be starting school and counting down the weeks until our rainbow gets here. Bean is due on June 3rd and I'm hoping that he comes at the end of May. I really don't think I could handle having another baby in June, even if it is 2 weeks before Eli's birthday/angelversary. It's just going to be too hard.

BLM's: If you've already experienced major holidays and that first year mark, please tell me how you did it. I just feel like it's going to be impossible the next few months.

Stories of Loss

I had this thought...scary I know. There are some books out there where women tell their stories of loss, which is fantastic, I'm glad there are brave people out there who are willing to share their most difficult time in their lives. What I think would be even better is a book that included all our stories of loss. There are so many reasons we lost our babies and I think my story is just as important as yours and other people who experience loss want to be able to associate with someone else. So what if we put together all of our stories into one book? What do you all think? Am I crazy for wanting to do this?

One of those days

Today was the first time I've been to visit Eli since learning I was pregnant. In some ways I felt so guilty knowing that I was carrying his sibling while visiting him there and he's only been gone 3.5 mths. I do know that he would want me to be happy, not move on but be in a better place. It still seems so ridiculous to me that he's gone and I won't ever get to see him again. I spent 36 weeks growing and loving him just to give him up and it's not fair. Everytime I look at his picture I draw in my head because I'm so afraid I'm gonna forget what he looks like and I feel terrible for even thinking that. How do you get over feeling like this? I spent months getting a routine together to incorporate him into my life and now I'm learning to cope without him :'(

The magic number is.....

Thanks to my husband's cousin I went down to the clinic this morning and requested a copy of my blood work that Dr. F did yesterday. At first the guy behind the desk looked concerned which freaked me out. He asked if they went over the results with me yet. Paranoid! He then printed it off and handed it to me. I managed to make it out the door before I looked down at the number...293! I am most definetely pregnant still! YAY! Now I have to call Dr. F's office and schedule an appointment

Doctor visit

So, my doctor's visit didn't go exactly as I thought it would. I was hoping to hear, well I don't know exactly. He did an ultrasound and said he didn't see a pregnancy in my uterus, which freaked me out! I told him about my emergency room visit and about my hcg level being 45 and he said that's why he couldn't see anything. So, more blood work was done to check my hcg level. I have to wait until tomorrow morning to find out if they are going up. God, I hope they are going up. To hear from the doctor that I was pregnant and now I'm not would be devastating. I can't handle another loss at any stage.

Stress relief

I'm not sure if it's been stress or the pregnancy itself but I've been eating everything in sight! It's like I can't stop. I'm gonna gain a billion pounds before this baby even looks like a baby, lol. I did get some relieving news today from my regular doctor. He told my mom that according to my report sent to him from the emergency room I was having a completely normal pregnancy! Thank you God! I want nothing more than to carry this baby to term and to bring him/her home with me. Even though this is great news I'm still gonna have a nice long chat with my ob/gyn Thursday. What questions do you think I need to ask him? I have a few but I want to know what you all think are very important questions that need to be answered, maybe some that I wouldn't think about.

Can't even be happy

So, I went to the ER last night to have blood work done b/c I kept taking tests and they would give me different answers. At first they weren't gonna do blood work b/c the ER did their pregnancy test and it was negative but the lab (thanks to my sister-in-law) redid the test and got  a postive.

Blood work showed that I was indeed pregnant but only a little bit. My Beta Hcg level was 44.9. Idk what levels are supposed to be so I assumed it was normal. I explained to the doctor that I was cramping and he said that I might have a tubal pregnancy or be having a miscarriage. Which scared the crap out of me. When I got home I started spotted some. I spotted both times with the boys and each time it was a bp issue (my bp last night was 148/100). So I'm hoping that it's the same problem this time, but my cramping is worse.

I'm pregnant and can't even be happy about it b/c I'm stressing about all the what-ifs!

Before the loss of Eli I viewed pregnancy as a gift and something to be cherished. Bliss. Even though I still view pregnancy as a gift I'm no longer naive. I feel as if I can't be happy about being pregnant because I'm not guaranteed a baby in the end. Although I hope and pray that I do not experience a loss again I know that it is possible. It's like everytime I go to the bathroom I expect to see blood. I hate to live with this constant stress and worry. Wish I could go back to being naive and blissfully ignorant.

BFP??

So, I took a test a little bit ago at first I thought it was a negative. After it sat for a few minutes I saw a very faint +
I don't know if I should be excited or what. Guess I'm gonna wait it out and see if AF shows up and if not I'll retest. Every other time I've taken a test and it was + I was always pregnant so I'm hoping that's the case this time.

Pins and Needles

I never realized before how nerve-wracking it was TTC. I'm supposed to start either tomorrow or saturday (my period was a day off last month) and the waiting is killing me. Will I start? Could I be pregnant this month? AHHHH! I don't wanna go out and buy a test because I did that last month and it was negative and about 2 hours later I started. I do have some early pregnancy signs but nothing concrete: nausea, fatigue, heartburn and acid reflux. I have had some cramping lately too, so IDK if I attribute that to PMS or what. I wish life had a fastforward button sometimes.

Am I wrong?

At home I have an almost 2 year old son and two step-daughters to take care of, ages 3 and 5. While I'm the cook, maid, bath-giver, diaper changer and homework buddy I am also grieving over Eli. Is it so wrong of me to want help? I'm gonna be starting school in Janurary (fingers crossed) and I'm not superwoman. Yes I can do it all but it'd be easier if I didn't have to. I know that it is a little unorthodox but is it weird that I would ask the girls' mom to come stay and help as she's going to start school in the spring too? We are friends, although it seems weird for my husband, but she hasn't been able to see/spend time with the girls very much because of transportation and living arrangements. Advice?

Productive & bittersweet day

Yesterday was Eli's third month in Heaven.

I got up and drove the 23 miles to MSU and talked with some people about returning to school in Janurary. I thought that I was on academic probabtion b/c I withdrew before mid-terms of my sophomore year. Turns out I wasn't! Great news. I am however on Financial Aid probation, so I have to write an appeal letter to see if I can still receieve financial aid. Hopefully they will approve it and I can go back ASAP, without financial aid I can't pay for school.

I got a call from Lambert's Monuments yesterday, they set Eli's head/foot stone. We went and looked at it last night and it looks beautiful. Now when I go visit him I can look at his face. I tell ya, seeing the words "Our Son" on his footstone brought tears to my eyes. I guess actually knowing that the last thing I can do for my son is complete made my heartache.

Eli's story

Think its about time I shared Eli's story. Maybe the typing of his story out will help me find some sleep tonight.

I was going to the doctor for weekly BBP's because I have pregnancy induced hypertension and they wanted to make sure everything was going smoothly. I went for my last one on Friday, June 11th. Everything was perfect with Eli. I was checked and I was dilated 2 cm! I was so excited I thought for sure he would be coming soon. I had the option of scheduling  a my next BPP for Wednesday or Friday and instead of doing it on Wednesday I chose Friday, my decision to do that will be something I regret forever.

On Wednesday morning I woke up feeling fine but slightly off. Eli wasn't moving as much as normal but it wasn't so much that I was concerned. I just figured I was getting late in my pregnancy (36 weeks and 4 days) and he was running out of room. I had never made it this far before, Austin was born at 33 weeks. Everything past 33 weeks was new to me.

At about 10:30 pm I told my husband to get me the baby monitor that my sister gave to me to listen to the baby's heartbeat. I put the headphones on and placed the device on my belly and didn't hear anything. I wasn't concerned yet because Austin was crawling all over me and the tv was on and I could everything around me inside the headphones. David took Austin to bed about 10 til 11 that night and I decided to take a shower to see if I could get some movement out of Eli.

Before getting into the shower I of course had to pee, then I turned the shower on and felt like I had to go again. I sat down and felt a little pop. I thought maybe my water had broken. I stood up to find that it was blood, tons of it. I screamed for David, he didn't hear me but my Grandma did. She got him and he immediatley called my ob/gyn. I got clothes on put a towel down inside my underwear and we rushed to the hospital, notifying l&d about the situation on our way there.

I was wheeled up to l&d and the entire time I'm crying because I know something is wrong. In my head I just kept saying, "everything's ok, we are gonna have a c-section and he's gonna be fine". The nurses brought me into my room, l&d number 2, same room Austin was born. They got me into a gown and preceded to check me out. They kept wiping my bottom and saying there was alot of blood and alot of clots. Another nurse was starting an IV and checking my bp while another was hooking me up to the fetal monitors. David joined me in the room and from the minute the nurse didn't find his heartbeat right away I started to panic and crying uncontrollably. David couldn't even look at me. He paced the room. They tried the fetal monitor, hand held dopplar and an ultrasound and couldn't find anything, but never said a word. They told me they paged the doctor on call, Dr. Dotson, and that he would be here soon. A lady from ultrasound downstairs came up and started an ultrasound about the same time that Dr. Dotson arrived. He sat on my bed, patted my leg, looked at the ultrasound screen, then looked at me and said "I'm sorry, but theres no heartbeat", 12:04 am. Those 6 words changed my life forever. I threw my hands over my head and couldn't stop crying and shaking. Dr. Dotson hugged David.

For the first half an hour I could hear David running in and out of bathroom, getting sick and crying. He didn't want me to see him cry. We held eachother and then we had to make calls to our families. I called my Mom first, who was at my apartment with my Grandma, Austin and David's two girls. The conversation went like this:
Mom: Have they said anything?
Me: He's gone, Mom.
Mom: Are they sure?
Me: Yeah, they couldn't find his heartbeat, even on ultrasound. What do I do? I can't bury my son. Oh, God! What do I do?

We then called David's mom and had pretty much the same conversation. His parents arrived first, followed by my mom, Austin and my Grandma. I tried all night long to call my bff, Veronica with no answer. Around 6 am that morning she texted me, then called.
Me: I've been trying to get ahold of you all night.
V: Why, what's going on?
Me: We lost Eli, Veronica.
V: Are you joking? It's not funny.
Me: Why would I joke? No, hes gone.
V: What?
Me: I haven't had him yet.
V: I'll be there asap, I love you.

My doctor, Dr. Frederick came in about 7:30 that morning, teary eyed. He said he was sorry and asked if he could pray with us. He took my head and said a prayer. He then checked my cervix and broke my water. He came to my room every hour if not more.

I began pushing about 10:35 am. The most difficult thing I've ever done in my entire life. It was just me, David, Dr. F and two nurses. David sat up by my head, with his head buried in my shoulder, sobbing. I pushed as hard and as fast as I could. Once I felt him come out, I turned my head away and cried with David. I asked Dr. F if he was sure he was gone and he said he was. They took Eli out of the room and left us be. We cried together. The first time I've ever seen David cry; it was sad and beautiful at the same time.

The nurses brought him back in a short while later after bathing him and taking his pictures. We cried all over. He he was our perfect baby boy, and he's not breathing. Oh, I begged him to breathe. We stared at him, took our own pictures and then held him. God, he smelled so good. A perfectly healthy, 6lb 3oz and 20.5 inch long baby boy.

We spent several hours with him. Drawing his face in our memory and smelling him. At 6pm the man from the funeral home came to pick him up. I snuggled up to him for the very last time and handed him to the nurse. It was then I had my breakdown. I kept screaming "They are taking my baby to the funeral home! Oh my god! My baby is going to a funeral home!" It was shortly after my fit of hyperventiliation that I passed out. Dr. F came in and told me that the cause for Eli's death was a cord accident. AN ACCIDENT! That's all I get, it was an accident. He turned just so and got a knot in his cord and as he decended into the birth canal the knot got tightened and cut off his oxygen. Isn't that the most ridiculous thing you've ever heard?!?

I left the hospital the next morning before rounds, I couldn't stand to be there one more second. That day we planned Eli's funeral. His service was planned for Monday, June 21st.

Seeing him in a casket is an image I wish I could erase from my mind. I wanted nothing more than to pick him up and hold him, rock him; to make this all go away. The service was beautiful. He was buried just after noon that Monday. Seems ridiculous to me that I just had this beautiul baby and I won't ever get to see, touch, smell or kiss him ever again.

Since laying Eli to rest I've changed as a person. I can no longer be the person I was because part of me is missing. I know that it won't always hurt like this and honestly, I can't wait for that day. This will never make sense to me and the hurt of him being gone will always be here. I'm sad because my family will never be complete because he's gone. I'm sad because I never got pictures of him and Austin together. I'm sad because I won't get to see him smile, walk, talk, hear him say my name, see him go to school, get married and have kids. I'm missing out on so much.

One thing that I am grateful for is the fact that when it's my time to go, I have him waiting for me. I get to see him and hold him. He will get to hear me tell him I love him and he'll get to see my face for the first time. Oh, I can't wait for that day!

I love and miss you, Eli. I push forward because I have to. I can't let losing you be the end of me, although it did end a huge part of my life. Mommy can't wait to meet you all over again, my sweet angel.

Ramblings

Sleep on longer comes easy for me. I have to beg it to come lately. So, while trying to coax sleep into climbing in bed with me I have all this time to think. For most people thinking isn't bad but once you've lost a baby, thinking isn't always your friend. Tonights session is mainly "why is my life like this? this wasn't in the plan."

When I was in high school I had all kinds of goals for myself. I wanted to be a photographer, be a wife and a mother and own a beautiful house and have a comfortable life. Never in a million years would I dream of my life as it is now. I should have two sons laying in bed with me right now. Instead I'm smushed against the wall by my husband and Austin and dreaming of what my life would be like if Eli were still here.

Then my mind drifts to the what-ifs. What if I would've scheduled my BPP for Wednesday instead of Friday? They would've seen something was wrong, done a c-section and Eli would be here? What if I would've went to l&d the moment he wasn't moving like he should've? I would've been hooked up to monitors they would've noticed a problem, done a c-section and he would be here. I can sit here and "what-if" all day and it won't make a damn bit of difference. Like it or not, this is my life now. I will forever have a son that is in Heaven, who will never change and who will be waiting for me.

Back in the day

When I was in high school, writing used to be my outlet. I did it almost everyday. Since having Austin, writing hasn't been my top priority. However, since having Eli I find that it helps me get things off my chest. I am seriously considering writing a memoir on how I've dealt with this terrible situation I have been given. I doubt anyone would want to sit and read the whole thing, but it would give me a place to put all of my feelings.

Lost

 My dad was diagnosed with hepitatis c back in 2006 just shortly after I graduated high school. At that current point in time the prognosis was bad, but he was given 5 to 6 years. 2 years ago he had a liver biopsy done when he had his gallbladder removed. The biopsy showed the hepatits c has turned to cirrhosis (spelling?). This news crushed us all over again. Because my dad was a heavy drinker for quite some time and because of his drug use in his early days he isn't illegible for a liver transplant.
 A week ago he had surgery to repair a hernia and they once again did a liver biopsy. This time it was much worse. Stage 4 cirrhosis. His liver was completely hard and had lumps in it. They sent the biopsy off to be tested for cancer. The initial report came back and they told us there was no cancer but the piece of liver they biopsied was already dead from the cirrhosis.
 He was admitted into the hospital on the 10th because he wasn't feeling well. Tests revealed his ammonia levels were through the roof and that his disease levels had gone from 100,000 6 months ago to 1.8 million! He will be placed with home hospice care starting this Monday.
 I don't know what to do. I lost my Grandpa in May of 2009 to lung/brain cancer, I had to bury my son this past June; I CAN'T bury my Dad, too. It's just to much for me to handle. I know they say that God doesn't give you anything that you can't handle but I seriously think he has made a mistake. How much can one person take? I just feel so alone.

Feel like I'm drowning

I was having an okay night until I wasn't. It just hit me all of a sudden and I felt as if I were drowning in my thoughts. This is the first night I can honestly say I wanted to ram my head into the wall to make the hurt on the inside go away. Obviously, I didn't do that b/c I know that the only thing that will do is give me a huge headache on top of everything else. Is it bad of me to say that sometimes I want to forget that this happened to me, that I want to forget this pain in my life? I don't want to forget Eli, just the hurt that goes with his passing. Just when I think I'm moving forward I fall back. I just can't get a grip on it and I don't know why. I live in constant fear that something is going to happen to Austin and I just can't keep living like this. What do I do?

Putting it out there

I know that infant loss is something people generally don't like to talk about. If I hadn't become a member of this community I don't think I would talk about it either. Unfortunately I am a member of this community and I don't think infant loss is talked about enough. I sent an email to Oprah's people to see if she would do a show on infant loss for her final season, haven't heard anything back so I"m assuming its a no-go. There has to be someway that we can bring light to this issue. I just don't know how to go about doing it.

Eli's Memorial Fund

For those who don't already know, my husband and I have started a memorial fund, "Eli Roseberry Memorial Fund for Infant Loss" in order to help other families in our area pay for funeral expenses, burial outfits, medical bills and headstones. We are always in need of donations to help keep this fund going. If you would like to make a donation you can send checks made out to Eli's Memorial Fund to:
Eli's Memorial Fund
c/o Amber Roseberry
245 Marvin Hicks Drive
Olive Hill, KY 41164

We also have quite a few braclets left for sale as well, $5 each, all proceeds going into Eli's fund. They are bi-colored; light pink and light blue. 'Infant Loss Awareness' on one side and 'In honor of Eli Roseberry' on the other.

I know that you all reading this know better than any how difficult it is physically, emotionally and financially to lose a child and we really want to help others who have to go through this.

http://www.eli-roseberrymemorialfund.webs.com/

Why doesn't he go?

Eli has been gone 11 weeks. It seems impossible to me. I still feel like it was yesterday that I was holding him in my arms and kissing him goodbye. My husband hasn't been to the cemetery in almost 2 months. I don't understand this, why doesn't he go? The only thing we can do for Eli is visit him at the cemetery and he hasn't gone. I understand that this situation sucks, that we should be holding him in our arms instead of going to the cemetery to visit him but for crying out loud when the only thing you can do for your child is visit them at the cemetery shouldn't that be what you do? My heart breaks when he doesn't go because it makes me feel like he doesn't care about Eli. I understand most people are sick of hearing about him because he isn't here to be a reminder that he was here. But damnit HE WAS HERE! Regardless if he took a breath or not he was here. I just want him to acknowledge that Eli was here and that he misses him like I do. Is this difficult to do??

Disappointed

Since my check up following Eli's birth my husband and I have been TTC. Since I started on July 30th I figured I missed my ovulation for July. I did track it for August but apparently that didn't matter. Found out today that we didn't conceive this month : '(

My first two pregnancies we didn't even have to try! Austin was a surprise considering his was conceived while using protection and when we decided to get pregnant again we only tried one cycle and bam! I guess I'm putting extra pressure on myself b/c I feel the need to fill my aching arms and try and fill some of this hurt that I have. And yes, I know that NO baby could ever replace or fill the void that Eli left and I'm not trying to do that, I just feel like I was cheated out of something I wanted so badly! I am thankful that I have Austin, he brings smiles to my days. He gives me a reason to get up every morning.

I know this probably sounds terrible but this is what I feel in my heart: If Eli was always going to leave me, it would've been easier if I would've miscarried him in the beginning; before I knew what he was, who he was and before I fell unconditionally in love with him. However, I am grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to him after I had heard him cry or see his beautiful eyes and smile. I hope that my saying this doesn't offend anybody, that is in no way my intention. I do believe with all my heart that you all understand where I'm coming from.

Topix

For those of you who have seen the website, you know how rude people tend to be on here. I didn't realize how rude people were until a friend of my alerted me to the fact that they were saying things about me posting pictures of my Eli on my FB. The link below goes to the thread in which they talk about my baby. How dare people call pictures of my son disgusting, disturbing and say they will haunt them forever b/c of the discoloration of his skin: THEY ARE INFANT BRUISES!!!

Some people are just low-lifes and things like this shouldn't  be tolerated.

http://www.topix.com/forum/city/olive-hill-ky/THL638916R5QAQFAJ

Remembering Our Babies

I've decided that on October 15th, the day to remember our babies I would like to do something special. I would like to release balloons in honor of all our lost angels. If you would like your baby to be honored please email me with the following information:

-Baby's Name
-Birthday and angel date (if different)
-Balloon color preference, please give 2 options
-Special message for your angel
-Your email address so that I may email the photos of your baby's balloon to you.

9 weeks

Today marks nine weeks since Eli has gone to Heaven. I have no idea where all that time has gone. It seems like when I was pregnant the weeks just drug on and on, there was no end in sight and now, time just drifts by while I stand still. I still keep wishing that someone is going to actually invent a time machine and I can go back and change how things turned out. I love and miss Eli each and every day, I'd give anything just to be able to see him again.